Yep, angry. Most of it is finally coming to grips with my life's path of late. How much more is out there, waiting to trip me up?
Had my implant exchange yesterday. Surgery went well. Recovery was tough. I reacted to the anesthsia - just the shakes - nothing major. I think it took about 3.5 hours to become coherent. My rockin' nurse gave me Percocet before I left. That stuff is DA BOMB. I was drunk for hours. Funny times for sure. I'd drop off mid sentence or mid bite. My kids kept nudging me so I could finish ready a chapter of Alice in Wonderland, even through my slurred speech.
Now for the angry part. I'm not happy with The Girls. I had way different expectations based on what I've seen online as well as what my doctor described. What I have right now are slightly fuller, just as saggy, versions of my former Girls. WTF was the point! I'd have better boobs with prosthetics. I could have saved myself 2 surgeries, weeks of expansion torture,
Am I ungrateful? I'm feeling it. Most of my friends say they look great, nice and natural. I wanted, and expected, perfect, perky forever, no bra/underwire required. That's not what I have today. The TEs sat higher up. Were rounder, fuller.
I'm angry! Maybe finally getting pissed, and rightfully so. I was dealt a lousy fucking hand this year. I've held the stiff upper lip for 6 months now. I'm not strong on my own - I drew from my husband and kids to get me through fighting against the breast cancer. I'm a survivor. Perfect.
My reward for surviving was supposed to be perfect boobs. P-e-r-f-e-c-t! Girls that would help distract me from the scars, the memory. Right now it's not enough that I'm cancer free and healthy. It's not enough!
Am I horrible person? I sure feel like it. Could really use a pint of B&J along with some Edward. But alas, I can't drive and my husband won't buy the B&J for me.
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