The Rantings of a Lunatic

I've been thinking a lot about this year and the journey I've made. All the events of the year. Most days it's tough to stay positive, keep my head up...and all of the other cliches people like to use. I feel guilty for not having an "It is what it is" attitude about the whole thing. So many that I'm meeting and hearing about are so casual about it all. I'm angry, bitter, resentful, spiritually wounded. Why can't I be like the others?

The beginning of the year brought mastectomy and 1st stage reconstruction, followed by a 2nd surgery for an infection. Following that, the implants with not so symmetrical or pretty results. *sigh*

Then one of my 3 closest friends ditched out of our friendship - slammed the door. No explanation - no courage to tell me to my face. Might have been thinking it would be easier for me, or maybe for her 'cause she wouldn't have to see my face or read my pain. She was a solid foundation for me. She was the one with the shoulder I could sob on - my husband was, and continues to be, there but the poor guy just doesn't know what to do with me when I cry. Gotta love the man for trying. She was the one by my bedside when I really started to wake up after the big surgery. She held my hand, chillaxed with me at home while all the kids were at school - kept me company. My heart is absolutely broken. OK - crying now so I'm gonna stop.

Next up - the horrible 2nd opinion consultation with the heartless bitch doctor. Ugh!

Then ... a revision. YAY! Really thought we had all the bases covered with the doc this time around. HA - not so much. There wasn't much change to the girls. I have found a silver lining. Doc is retiring so I get a new one to continue my care. Met with him last week. He spent just about an hour with me and hubby, on his dime. WOW - great first impression. Told us all the things he can do to fix the girls. Recommendations are good too. My breast surgeon says this guy is excellent. I've spoken with a patient that has had similar results and circumstances. She just gushes about his work. OK - I'm sold. Formal consultation is scheduled. Also, he does cosmetic surgery as well which means he has an eye for aesthetics. There is a 2nd doctor coming to the medical group. He's older (like the first), only uses saline but might make an exception since I already have silicone. If he doesn't use silicone often not sure how the girls would come out. *shrug*

Not sure what else is coming up - praying for a 5th, and last, surgery to clean up the girls. Maybe I'll get just about what I was expecting to get in 2010 after all  - New Girls ;-)